Affairs happen. Now how do I survive?

Did you know?

• Only 10% will marry their affair partner and then there is huge mistrust when married. If you leave someone and expect to have a long term relationship with the partner in the affair the chances are 1-2%.
• Shirley Glass Says- infidelity is more likely to lead to divorce if the unfaithful spouse is the wife.
• For women, it only takes one liaison and they are more likely to divorce. For men, it takes a serious relationship to divorce.
• There is a higher chance of divorce if affair is combined-type involvement which equals sex and emotional connection. Wives had more of this type of affair.
• Women are more likely to have affairs with old flames, friends, or neighbors.
• Most affairs are happening at work. From 1990 to present, 50% of wives had affairs at work; between 1980-90, 38% had work affairs.
• Internet Chats are a real problem — partners are more accessible and it fills the need of emotional connection late at night when one of the partners has gone to sleep.
• As many women are having affairs as men.

• When unfaithful wives were younger than 31 years old with no kids, they were more likely to divorce after an affair.
• Men are more likely than women to separate sex and love.
• 26% of men said that they could have sex without becoming emotionally involved; only 3% of women said the same.
• Two-thirds of husbands and wives regarded falling in love as justification to have affair.
• Couples need to learn to distinguish “falling in love” and “being in love”. Mature strong love” is a committed long-term relationship that is good enough and may not always be fantastic.
• No one can compete with the excitement and novelty of an affair because it is secret, dangerous, passionate and novel.
• Speaking of novelty, National Geographic reports that the relationships that take place in exciting or novel environments create the same chemical reactions in the brain that feels like love: the newness and secrecy makes it feel like love.
• There is little reality to an affair because both partners are not in their normal environments.
• In the majority of cases, the spouse does not know about the affair.
• Most predictive emotional cue is not saying “I love you” to the partner anymore.
• Disclosure of infidelity by women more frequently leads to divorce.
• Men who had mothers with philander issues exhibit pathological jealousy, and women with dads that were philanderers tended to stay with their husbands if they were philanderers as well.

Getting over it.

• Get rid of all mementos and reminders. Make the farewell final — the partner needs to hear it and send the letters.
• Answer all unanswered questions: complete disclosure. If you are not sure you can handle the answer to the question, do not ask it. Explicit sexual details may do more harm than good.
• Work as a couple together to repair the old wounds and flashbacks. The unfaithful one should not minimize the other’s pain or avoid talking about it.
• The offender needs to put the betrayed partner on the inside. Be completely open and do not leave room for your partner to fill in the blanks about details of the affair — the imagination will always go to the worst case scenario.
• Cement the wall with the affair partner: concretely end all contact.
• Keep no secrets: do not try to protect a partner from pain or hurt by keeping secrets. Any mistruths or “white lies” can sabotage the healing process and put you back at square one.
• Prove that it is over with concrete evidence.
• Accountability is important: the unfaithful partner needs to answer, for a while, to the other person. i.e., phoning the partner on the hour or giving a specific breakdown of the day’s events.
• Respect boundaries. Behavior must change — create new safer patterns around the opposite sex.
• Loosen the cord — do not keep them on a short leash forever. Autonomy is a must again, and the offended partner needs to learn to trust again and give space. No one can guarantee anything, however, one still needs to

Remember

In order to get someone back, do not chase or grovel and promise to be better. This creates a sense of “no challenge” for the partner, and gives your power away

Address the issues in the relationship

• Is the marriage too child-centered?
• Deal with incompatible sexual interests.
• Build fun into the relationship with common interests.